My decision

This post is one month overdue. I’d say it’s been delayed due to the difficulty in sharing the information. Not difficult for me, because once I made my decision I actually felt relieved. I guess I think too much that its difficult to share what I “un-decided”.

I am not going to pursue foster parenting. I was excited by it and during the training last spring I felt invigorated that this was exactly what I was supposed to do. Maybe it was for that nano second window, maybe it was the rebirth of spring that inspired me. It’s hard to say.

It isn’t foster parenting I shy from, it’s parenting in general. I think that given enough hours in the day, and enough money so I could just stay home, yeh, I’d be a good mom. But by myself, and with work? It’s scary to think about it. This whole fall has been difficult. It’s hard enough to get me out of bed at 5:30 and off to work on time. Imagine having a child to get ready too.

And work? Where do I begin? The students are fantastic. I think one of the nicest groups I’ve ever had. But the demand? The state has a new commissioner of education. He’s a charter school guru. It isn’t hard to put this all together. We have state exams, and we were doing well on them; so then they changed the cut so statistically, we were no longer doing as well. Then the special education students weren’t making AYP. Now we are on a list, a list that is a continuum, a continuum that ends with the ominous words: restructure.

And you wonder why last year I kept saying I wanted to be a legal assistant!

Back to parenting: interestingly enough, even though my house “opened” in June, I was only offered a baby in July and never called again. Odd given that all you seem to hear about is the need for foster parents. There is a trend in fostering where children are being placed with their relatives (kinda like the old days). This might be good for many of them, but others need out of the family entirely.

Maybe the Universe was trying to give me time to understand what my purpose with children would be. I think I am more suited to being the auntie than the mommy. I’m okay with that. Auntie is fun, but like grandma she can give them back! And being a mom, especially to a child who isn’t mine, but at the whim of another, would be an incredible stressor. Children are sick constantly! My job would be 30 minutes away and I really have no back up like a big family. Yes I have CK and she is a sister, but that’s not the same as the lucky women with retired parents who are still in their 50’s! I hope they know how blessed they are.

I think at my age you get into routines. I like the predictable and I am a scheduler. I just wanted anyone who reads this to know I am okay with my decision. Not having a child is not a horrible thing. I hope that in my profession I have at least made a positive impact on the students I’ve taught.